Old Time Family Baseball

(image via SportsBarNation) 

Like the State of the Union, occasionally the Extremely Important and Powerful Manboys who run this site must get together to drink beer and watch baseball, preferably in an underground bunker surrounded with hi-tech security.

With that said, I just wanted to give a heads up that this Internet space will be dark for the Memorial Day weekend as we celebrate the unofficial, unsponsored, and honored by only two people, Old Time Family Baseball Festival. I’ll be meeting up with my bloggin’ partner, Will Hall, and we’ll be heading to the Bay Area to see if we can finally find a decent place for the Athletics to move. 

While we’re there, we’ll be catching a few ballgames, buying those weird Giants/A’s split caps, taking wacky pictures inside an Alcatraz cell, touring the local bars, and hopefully meeting up with a few of San Francisco’s best and brightest. 

As we search for the elusive JT Snow statue that has only been mentioned in archaic texts, updates will be scarce, but you can check us out on Twitter (@clairbearattack, @manybothansdied) for Twitpics of dimly lit cheeseburgers. Plus, if you’re a San Fransiscan, get in touch and tell us where we should go. Oh, and you’re more than welcome to buy us drinks as the local custom dictates. 

For the rest of you, have a safe and burn-free barbecuing weekend. 

Imagine you’re the Boston Red Sox and you’re facing the Baltimore Orioles. It should be an easy game, after all, when have the Orioles been good? And you’ve got Daniel Bard starting who, while he was only pitching relief before this year, had struck out over a batter an inning complete with a 2.88 ERA in his Major League career. And with a payroll just shy of $200 million, your offense should be rolling, lead by Kevin Youkilis, Jacoby Ellsbury, and Adrian Gonzalez. But you see, the problem with all of that is this: it’s happening in the real universe. Somehow, perhaps because of a worm hole and CISPA, the AL East has been teleported away. 

In this bizarre “Dark Planet,” Daniel Bard is just an average pitcher who has now walked more batters than he’s struck out. And the Orioles sit atop the standings. And the triumverate of Youkilis, Ellsbury, and Gonzalez have combined for 8 home runs. Which is worth only two Albert Pujolses.

And yet, on an unseasonably warm May day (for May, in this alternate universe, tends to be bitterly cold), the Red Sox still won the ballgame. Because Daniel Nava, a former equipment manager turned indy league stud turned Major Leaguer, picked up two hits and his third home run while waiver wire familiar Scott Podsednik had another two hits, and backup catcher Kelly Shoppach also added two hits and a home run. Sure, Kevin Youkilis picked up two hits in the effort, like he would if it was the proper universe, but it was while he was playing first base so that Will Middlebrooks could get his bat into the lineup and also collect two base hits. None of this would happen if it weren’t for a bizarre rip into the very fabric of existence. 

And while box scores may often seem like a strange and random assortment of letters and numbers, today the first 4 batters in the Red Sox lineup went 3-for-20, while the bottom 5 each collected 2 hits apiece, finishing the day 10-for-16 with two home runs. That is just how this other place operates, with perfect and precise precision. 

Edwin Encarnacion has always had power, which is kind of the reason why he’s still in the Major Leagues. His glove, to put it kindly, rests somewhere between iron pan and Lovecraftian monster that will one day destroy the world. It’s why he passed from the Blue Jays to the offense-starved Athletics back to the Blue Jays over the course of one offseason, with nary an at-bat taking place in green and gold. 

But now that the Blue Jays are content to let Encarnacion mostly play DH, free from the stress and strife of fielding the ball, he has hammered 14 home runs in only 192 at-bats. Extrapolate that across 550 at-bats, and Encarnacion is on pace to hit 40 home runs, easily besting his career high of 26 he hit with the Reds back in 2008. While many players complain about DHing, saying they have trouble maintaining focus at the plate, the easier the defensive position, the better Encarnacion does. 

In his career, Encarnacion is a .255/.333/.448 hitter at third base, hitting a home run every 23.2 at bats. At first, he’s a .279/.320/.486 hitter, with a home run every 20 (small sample size rules apply). But when Encarnacion leaves his glove at home and he can sit in the dugout and play Super Mario on his Game Boy Color save for four trips to the plate an evening, he becomes an All-Star, hitting .289/.355/522 with a home run every 18.2 at-bats. Add back the 13 or so runs that Encarnacion gives away on defense as judged by UZR, and once again the Blue Jays are making the smart decision. One can only hope that the presence of the free-swinging and positionless Vladimir Guerrero, currently knocking on Toronto’s door, doesn’t complicate the picture.