BFF: Selections from Mike Scioscia and Jeff Mathis’ Evening Together

INT. The Scioscia Manor.

The children run along outside and Mike Scioscia’s wife putters about, alternating between the kitchen and a novel she’s reading in the other room. MIKE SCIOSCIA and JEFF MATHIS, best bros for life, share beer and corn chips while watching the game.

Scioscia: Nothing quite like the Fall Classic to soothe the savage mind.

Mathis: Who said that?

Scioscia: I did. I said that. That’s a Mike Scioscia original.

Mathis: You should put that in a book.

The starting lineups are announced.

Scioscia: You know who is a professional hitter? Michael Young, now that’s a professional hitter. Whoa, hold on, Mike Napoli hitting eighth? Heh heh, good luck, Texas. You’ll need it.

Mathis:Hello, a little guy named Yorvit Torrealba is sitting on the bench!

Bottom of the third, Mike Napoli strikes out on a foul tip.

Mathis: It’s like Meatball at the end of Rookie of the Year.

Scioscia: Never saw it.

Mathis: It’s good.

Scioscia: You know what I saw recently, really underrated, Mars Attacks.

Mathis: Yeah?

Scioscia: Yeah.

Bottom of the fifth, Napoli flies out to center.

Scioscia: Bottom of the fifth? More like, I’m drunk.

Bottom of the sixth, Napoli flies out to center again.

Scioscia: Bottom of the sixth? More like I’m drunk.

Mathis: It doesn’t really work that way.

Top of the seventh, Mike Napoli throws out Allen Craig trying to steal second base.

Mathis: I’m not entirely convinced that Allen Craig has legs.

Scioscia: Turn it up. I want to hear what McCarver has to say.

The two listen intently.

Bottom of the eighth, Mike Napoli doubles in two runs to give the Rangers a 4-2 lead.

Scioscia: I have never once seen that man.

Mathis: It’s Mike Napoli, skip. We’ve been talking about him all game.

Scioscia: (Taking off and putting on his glasses in disbelief.) Well, it must be some trickster god. Like that Loki fellow in the Thor movie. Or Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park.

Top of the ninth, Mike Napoli throws out Allen Craig trying to steal for a second time. Empty beer cans litter the ground.

Mathis: Hey, have you ever thought about what would happen if Jessica Alba and Yorvit got married? She’d be Jessica Torrealba-Alba.

Scioscia: Oh. My. God.

Top of the ninth, a ball in the dirt forces Napoli to chase it down the first base line before throwing Lance Berkman out to end the game.

Scioscia: Hell of a game, Jeff.

Mathis: Great game, coach.