Phrases I Never Need to Hear After Listening to Baseball Radio Commercials

While it’s rare to find a decent commercial on television, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard one that passes for bearable on the radio. Even worse are the ads that air during baseball games as each one must remind you that the copywriter once saw a few minutes of Field of Dreams and thought it was “okay.”

After listening to a few innings of the World Series on my drive home last night, I’ve decided that suicide is my only option if I hear any of these phrases ever again:

“A crackerjack of a deal.”
“Home run of a bargain.”
“Prices so low, Yadier Molina should throw you out for trying to steal!”
“Our salespeople will never throw you a curve.”
“Run, don’t walk to your nearest location! Because walks are boring and ruin baseball.”
“You won’t commit an error when you shop with us.”
“Brian Cashman goods at Billy Beane prices!”
“Our prices are below replacement level.” (Actually, this one is okay.)
“Family owned and operated since before Jamie Moyer was born.”
“No need to wear a cup when you shop here because we won’t punch you in the balls. Not even once.”