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Alex Rodriguez’s Knee Procedure as Written By Stan Lee

(image via Amazon)

Recently, Alex Rodriguez followed Kobe Bryant’s suggestion that he go to Germany for an experimental procedure on his knee where they take his blood, swish it around a little, and throw it back in his body. Maybe there are a few more steps, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor and find myself grossed out by even the tamest of House episodes. Even though MLB and the Yankees signed off on the procedure, people freaked out about it because it involves:

  • Germans
  • Experiments
  • Alex Rodriguez
  • Kobe Bryant

Here is how that procedure went as imagined by Stan Lee:

On a dark and stormy night, a Lincoln Towncar carrying the might athletic marvel that is Alex Rodriguez winds its way up the narrow mountain road that heads to Dr. Killgall’s laboratory. The car pulls up the old, Victorian mansion that is surrounded by locked gates, snarling dogs, and bizarre and disturbing gargoyles that seem to watch Rodriguez as he approaches the heavy wooden door.

Rodriguez knocks three times, THUNK, THUNK, THUNK, before the doors swing back automatically. A swift breeze blows as Rodriguez enters the laboratory.

RODRIGUEZ: Hello? Dr. Killgall? Is anyone here?

Just then, Dr. Killgall spins around in his cheer. A devious smile creeps across his lips. Oh, and his arms are made of lasers.

RODRIGUEZ: Why are your arms made of lasers?!

KILLGALL: Ahh, Mr. Rodriguez, so glad you could join us. I see my minion, Mr. Bryant, has been passing along my business card.

Killgall laughs maniacally.

RODRIGUEZ: You know, I really should be going. This is not going to be good for my image.

KILLGALL: Nonsense, you’ll stay right here!

With a flick of the wrist, Killgall’s KILLBOTS, exact robotic replicas of Killgall in every way, throw Rodriguez onto an operating table and strap him in.

KILLGALL: Now, Mr. Rodriguez, let’s take a look at that knee.

With a flash of blinding light, Killgall operates on Rodriguez. It’s a blur of lasers, explosions, and Tesla lightning bolts being thrown around the room. Finally, Killgall steps back. In extreme close-up:

KILLGALL: My greatest masterpiece! Now then, Mr. Rodriguez, what are you going to do when you return to America? 

Rodriguez sits up, he moves mechanically, his breath wheezes, and his eyes blaze red.

RODRIGUEZ: I am going to destroy the home run record and ruin the American pastime.

BOTH: Ahahahahah! Ahahahahah! Ahahahahha.

TEXT BOX: Check back next month, Mighty Marvelers, for the continued adventures of Alex Rodriguez, American Enemy


 

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