Old Time Family Baseball

In only five short minutes, I’ll begin watching and live-blogging

If you have Netflix, it’s available for you to watch instantly right here. I’ll be nesting all of the posts within this one, so come back or hit refresh if you want to keep up with it.

So go pop some popcorn, grab a soda, and get ready for a little homeless and mute Burt Reynolds, the only way to enjoy him.

9:36:  The credits have already introduced us to a character named “Hooksy.” I’m hoping it’s a hooker with a heart of gold that teaches Burt how to love.

9:40: “If you don’t practice, you will never be a Jackie Roguursun?” Is that what I heard?

9:42: Drunken bearded guy stole money from kids and is now throwing bird cages at them. The children then pelt him with paint as he falls down the stairs. This is the greatest scene in movie history.

9:45: Oh, good, a little Stand By Me kids running on train tracks scene. I’m going to guess no one dies, at least this early in the thing.

9:48: This is what a baseball uniform should look like:

9:49: Even a layer of grime, dirt, filth, and slime can’t hide that Cannonball charm.

9:53: Gasp! Our drunken hobo is actually a former big leaguer. This movie is certainly not afraid to advance the plot.

Kids think he’s a gift from god. Insert Tebow joke here.

9:57: “We’ll hide him in the stables, no one will ever find him there.” Are…are the kids planning on murdering a drifter?

9:59: The first words from Coach Reynolds? “Throw it at him.” Keep up the great coaching, you ole coot, you.

10:01: In between a fit of phlegmy, whiskey cough, Coach Reynolds makes two trips to the mound in an inning. Who does he think he is, Don Mattingly?

10:02: From @MightyFlynn: By my count, Burt Reynolds is now wearing his 2nd wig of the film.

10:03: Finally, a haircut montage complete with Casio keyboard lounge music. 

10:08: Uh-oh, there’s a dying grandfather who refers to death as “a vacation.” Will the success of the baseball team be enough to save his life and give him renewed vim and vigor? Or will his death crush the young boy’s spirit, forcing him to grow up too fast in a world too brutal?

10:12: At the unemployment office: “Have you served any time?” “Time? Time? We’re all serving time, just waiting for death’s sweet embrace.” At least, that’s what I heard.

10:14: God, I couldn’t tell you how long I’ve dreamed of seeing a nearly shirtless Burt Reynolds show off his guns while chopping firewood.

10:16: Joe Theismann takes some hacks. I hope the kids aren’t horrified when his bones are snapped in two.

10:19 Is there anything more awkward than when children tell their mother that they’re “beautiful” and a “catch” and that their “prince is just around the corner”? Especially when that Mom is played by a super-90s Reba McEntire.

10:28: Reba McEntire’s hair may house a number of woodland creatures.

10:32: Coach Reynolds just literally threw a child about 10 feet. He’s my hero.

10:39: You know what my favorite kind of knife fights are? The kind that we only see from 45 feet away.

10:42: Uhh…Burt, you know that really powerful scene where the drunken Dad beats his son? Maybe both of them shouldn’t have been topless and sweaty…really doesn’t play right. And then when Burt Reynolds demands that the kid take his shirt off? Maybe cut that too… Just an idea.

10:48: A drifter who nobody knows that goes around beating everyone up? Maybe this movie should be called Batman Teaches Baseball. Also, Burt Reynolds hits a guy with a chair.

10:56: So, the grandfather does die. And now we have a manhunt for the kid who everyone watched runaway, but no one could keep up with.

11:00: And Burt Reynolds just saved the boy from drowning. He really is Batman.

11:03: Burt Reynolds has now gone back into his mind, ranting about his dead wife and (maybe) living daughter. Reba McEntire has never been more bored despite the bipolar episode he’s in the midst of. 

11:06: Reba’s jeans are so 90s, I could poop.

11:09: Sure, the Cleveland Indians logo is offensive, but you would think the Indiantown Indians could do a little better.

11:10: Fake stirrup socks? For shame.

Final Verdict: The last twenty minutes decided to cram another movie in there with Burt Reynolds maybe being a Dad and maybe being a doctor and maybe living in New York and maybe being rich. Those questions aren’t really answered, but hey, there is just as good a chance that’s he Batman, so I’m fine with creating my own storyline.

If you’re in the right frame of mind, you can have a real blast with this trainwreck of a film. I give it The Seal of Approval.

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