Evan Kafuman: Early Drafts of Crash Davis’ “I Believe in” Speech From Bull Durham

#1

“Well, I believe in angels, wieners, party clams, the double pony tail on a lady, a flat splitfinger, calcium deposits, good Pims Cup, that the novels of Gabriel García Márquez are magical realism. I believe that there’s no plesiosaur in Loch Ness. I believe that the senate should filibuster on bat donuts and pinch runners. I believe in a can of corn, home made pornography, opening your presents as soon as you find them and long, slow, deep, soft, wet tongue kisses that last five and a half days.”

#2
“Well, I believe that the holocaust never happened…”

#3
“Well, I believe in Cthulu, nowhere boners, labias, that women aren’t good at math, a drifting change up, fish oil, that the novels of Stephen King are sometimes really scary. I believe that Stone Hedge has something to do with Druids. I believe that a lively caucus should be held on cut off throws and bleacher bums. I believe in rally monkeys, Japanese pornography, opening one present each night of Hanukah and long, slow, deep, open mouth, awkward, braces mashing, virgin kisses that last for sweeps week.”

#4
“I believe in a thing called love! …”

#5
“I believe in the spirit, the snake with a turtleneck, vaginas, the rubbery skin of a woman’s elbow, high heat, bee pollen, hard ice tea, that the novels of Flannery O’Conner are not as popular as her short stories. I believe Sasquatch is a variety of different monkeys who have escaped various zoos in the Pacific Northwest. I believe the House of Representatives should meet about cleats and suicide squeezes. I believe in the zone, torture porn, opening your presents on Kwanzaa if that’s a thing, and slow, wet, sloppy, gross, excessive, Chinese, all-teeth smooch-a-roonies that last until suffocation.”

Evan Kaufman is a writer/improviser living in Boston. He’s got Twitter, Tumblr and a deep respect for root beer.

————————
Doctors Without Borders is an international medical organization that provides independent, impartial assistance in more than 60 countries to people whose survival has been threatened by violence, neglect, or catastrophe. Please help us reach our goal of $2,000 by donating here.