Quotes from Prince Fielder’s Future Press Conference

It must suck to be Victor Martinez. Sure, having to be hobbled by a torn ACL is bad enough, but his ego was surely stroked when pundits wondered if the Tigers would be able to secure an AL Central without him. Then Dave Dombrowski had to go out and sign Prince Fielder to a 300-year, $4.2 billion dollar contract (estimated) and now Martinez is a mere afterthought, like “who was that guy that we liked so much that hit behind Miguel Cabrera? Oooh, Prince Fielder!” But while Martinez heals up, his dart board filled with Prince Fielder’s giant head, the world waits for Prince’s press conference.

Since I have the gift of second sight, as well as Season One of Second Sight starring Clive Owen as a detective who is going blind, I have already glimpsed the future. From the soon to be presser:

“Hello Detroit. I am Prince Fielder, but from now on, you can call me king. I will rule this town with a meaty fist and a meatier forearm. I did not come here to praise RoboCop, but to bury him in a barrage of dingers. You can find his battered body in Parking Lot D. As long as you fear me, things should be easy-peasy.

“You may think that I came here to honor my father’s legacy. I spit on my father’s legacy. I will hit more home runs, romance more women, and close out more steak restaurants than my father ever did. I will also be a boon to the vintage sports memorabilia industry as those remaining early-90s Fielder pieces will have renewed relevance. I am nothing if not concerned for the small business owner.

“I hope my presence will help popularize the Detroit Coney. Did you know that a Detroit Coney involves steamed buns, chili and mustard compared to the sauerkraut-fest known as the New York Coney? I hate sauerkraut.

“I want to thank Dave Dombrowski, my family, the Tigers organization, the city of Detroit, and the army of the dead under my command for helping me make this difficult decision. I hope I can make this great city proud. Goodnight and good luck.”