The Onion: Joel Zumaya Agrees to Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

The Onion: Joel Zumaya Agrees to Throw One Last Amazing Pitch →

In all great humor, there is truth. Sadly, The Onion may have used a little too much:

“Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever. “I’ve undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible,” said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque.”

Click through for the rest and may god have mercy on Zumaya’s arm.