Aroldis Chapman Is Not A Real Person

I mentioned this while on the Lady at the Bat podcast this week, but it bears repeating: Aroldis Chapman is not an actual human being. Here are a list of what he could be: 

  • An alien. 
  • A fictional character who, thanks to some dark magic, has crossed into our plane of reality. 
  • A fictional alien who, thanks to some dark magic, has crossed into our plane of reality. 

Think about it. Not only is his personal life full of sordid, Jason Bourne-esque details (93 mph speeding ticketperhaps after being followed, woman found tied up in his ransacked hotel room, accused of working with Cuban state), but he’s also a pitcher with the golden arm. It’s like a Matt Christopher book got mixed up with a John Le Carre novel on the way to the printing press. 

And then there are his on-field numbers this year. After his appearance against the Pirates last night, picking up a save and two strikeouts, Chapman’s season looks like this: 

29 IP, 7 H, 0 ER, 52 SO, 9 BB. 

His ERA is zero. ZERO. And it’s not some fluky thing either, his FIP is a measly 0.53 and he’s striking out over 16 batters per nine innings. Oh yeah, he’s not walking anyone either. Does that sound like a real human being to you, one that was born from two parents and consists of flesh and blood? No, no it does not. It sounds like the statistics I would jot down in a composition notebook after playing myself in MLBPA baseball. 

At some point Chapman will have to give up an earned run, if only to throw the reality-makers off his scent. But believe me, it won’t be of his own accord. 

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