Jay Buhner’s Body Problems
(Who, who dear reader, took this picture?)
Earlier this week, Jay Buhner said he would “vomit” if the Mariners signed Ichiro to an extension. While this upset the vast majority of everyone everywhere because Ichiro is super duper cool and who cares if he isn’t all that good anymore, our response was wrong. It turns out that Jay Buhner has a complicated and advanced psychological and immune disorder. For instance, did you know that Buhner:
- Gets nipple irritation during rain delays?
- Has joint pain when Rob Dibble speaks? (to be fair, that’s everyone)
- Experiences existential despair when reading the works of Jean-Paul Sartre or George Will?
- Poops just a little when a runner rounds third?
- Poops a whole lot when the words “Bone Dog” “Buhn-man” or “Jay Buhner” are said in mixed company?
- Cries everytime “Facts of Life” comes on?
- Proposes marriage on the first date?
- Names his children “Gunner” so that I struggle not to say “Guhner Buhner?”
So, no, let’s not get angry at Jay Buhner for living life the only way he knows how: painfully.