It’s the Semi-Annual Cubs Liquidation Sale, Everything Must Go!

You there, hurry up! It’s the semi-annual, everything must go, Cubs liquidation sale. No team in Chicago can beat our prices or selection. But act now, everything is one-of-a-kind.

Never thought you could afford a ballplayer? THINK AGAIN!!!!!!! We’ve got baseball players for every size budget and home. Need a ballplayer to paint your bathroom, stand guard over your precious antiques, or just pick up Jimmy from soccer practice? Give us a call, we’ll listen to any offer. That’s just how CRAZY we are about trades.

Just listen to some of these testimonials from real-life people:

Jon Daniels, GM of the Texas Rangers:

“I traded with the Chicago Cubs and couldn’t be happier. Not only did I improve depth at the catching position by acquiring Geovany Soto, but I now have an extra trade chip in Yorvit Torrealba. Thanks, Chicago Cubs!”

But that’s not the only satisfied customer. Here’s another:

Frank Wren, GM of the Atlanta Braves:

“With my team in the thick of a pennant race, there is no place I would rather turn the Chicago Cubs. With their vast selection of back-of-the-rotation pitchers and platoon outfielders, I could spackle all the holes in my team and do it for less than the nearest competitor. Sure, I had to part with Arodys Vizcaino, but Paul Maholms don’t grow on trees!”

They sure don’t! And if you act in the next 15 minutes, not only will you get the ballplayer of your choice, but we’ll also throw in a Cubs-brand toaster, a 12-pack of Old Style, and a month’s supply of Vienna sausages absolutely free. What other team can match that kind of offer? I’ll tell you: NO TEAM. Because these deals are wackier than a rapping grandma at a wedding reception. AND THAT’S TOO WACKY.

We’ve got Matt Garzas, Alfonso Sorianos, Joe Mathers, and nearly anyone else you can think of. If it’s not nailed down, it’s for sale. And even if it is nailed down, it can be yours for the right price.

Don’t think, don’t wait, don’t hesitate. Your competitors sure aren’t. Call now!

This advertisement is in no way legally binding. The Chicago Cubs are not responsible for the state of goods after sale. Please inspect all products carefully. Buyer Beware. 30 Day Money Back Guarantee not valid outside of continental United States.