Red Sox Decide To Quit Playing Baseball, Might Open a “Laundromat or Something” Say Team Owners

In the midst of a disappointing 2012, and unhappy with the media and fans constantly complaining, the Red Sox decided to shut down all baseball operations today. Though Fenway Park will remain open for group tours, left field will now be home to a Cinnabon/H&R Block for all your snacking and tax return needs.

While the ink is not yet dry on the deal, plenty of reporters like Jon Paul Morosi are reporting that it will be finished. As of now, the trade will include: 

Dodgers Get: Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, Josh Beckett, Nick Punto

Red Sox Get:  Allan Webster, James Loney, Jerry Sands, Ivan De Jesus, Rubby De La Rosa.

If anyone turns on NESN in the next few days after having avoided the Internet, it will be like watching Scrubs after the show went to ABC, with Turk and JD nowhere to be found. 

Oh yeah, and the Dodgers will be picking up almost all of the $271.5 million dollars still owed those players. If anyone still wanted proof that the Dodgers were no longer run by Frank McCourt, this is it. They’re now the batshit crazy George Steinbrenner-era Yankees of the West. Or maybe this was trade someone made in MLB: The Show and it somehow leaked into our reality. I don’t know a lot about quantum mechanics, but I think that’s possible. 

The Dodgers will be receiving one of the best first basemen in the game, a pitcher who loves fried chicken and golf (right? That’s all I read about in the last year?), an underperforming and injured left fielder who could return from Tommy John surgery and by saying his magic phrase become the Carl Crawford of lore, and the grittiest, gamiest ballplayer this side of Tuff McGruffiest. 

The Red Sox haul is a little different. They get to start over with a complete and total clean slate and plenty of money in the bank. Unless the team expects James Loney to batter the Green Monster, he won’t be with the team next season while Ivan De Jesus should carve out a fine career as a utility infielder. Jerry Sands looks to be a bit of a tweener, hitting with some power and playing first and left, though he hasn’t proven himself at the Major League level, yet. However, right handed power hitters tend to take the longest to develop, mostly because, like pugs, they look awkward doing anything athletic.

That leaves Rubby De La Rosa, a fireballing 23-year-old righty just back from elbow surgery, and Allan Webster, who entered the year the number two Dodgers prospect, but has outperformed expectations and has ridden his sinker to only one home run allowed this season, that will be the keys to the trade. If the pitchers perform, the Red Sox can hold their heads above water. If not, oh man, just wait twenty years for the books to be written about this season. Because they’ll be must reads.  

This also marks the end of the greatest sports decade in Boston history. After two World Series titles, three NFL championships, an NBA title, and the Stanley Cup, Boston, apparently being punished for its hubris, is slowly returning to its historical place in the sporting world. Tom Brady is growing long in the hair and tooth, Ray Allen will no longer wear Celtic green, and the Red Sox have more in common with a CW show that has to unexpectedly wrap up their melodramatic storylines in three weeks. 

All I know is that I went to school in Boston and I can tell you, I am very glad that I’m not in Boston right now. Because there are only so many drunken “Adrian Gonzalez didn’t want to win enough” and “He played golf when he was injured!” conversations one can have on the T ride home without wanting to break a pair of headphones in half and jam the sharp ends into your ears.

For those who are trapped in Boston, you are in my thoughts and prayers. 

(image via) 

  1. dreamteam1212 reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball
  2. heidiboo20 reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball and added:
    Noo way ?!
  3. supersiren reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball
  4. erutzen34 reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball and added:
    Bahahahahahaha. I hate you, Red Sox. I hope you suffer for some time.
  5. thegreatbrewfress reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball and added:
    The Giants better outplay the Dodgers…or hope they can.
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