What Your Personalized Jersey Says About You

The fashion decisions of the average baseball fan are strange and difficult ones to make. Not only must one select the proper cap with which to express their allegiance, whether to a town, team, or time period, but if they go with a player jersey, they must express themselves through someone else’s name.

While we can all agree that getting your own name on the back of your jersey is cute (if you’re under 10), or repugnant (if you’re over 10), your choice of player jersey says a lot about you as a human being.

So, what does your jersey say about you?

AL EAST:

Baltimore Orioles:

Matt Wieters - You have wallpapered your house in Wieters facts and will engage anyone in the value of good defense behind the plate.

Manny Machado - You are a futurist, constantly pushing for brighter days.

BJ Surhoff - You are my best friend though we haven’t met yet.

Boston Red Sox:

Dustin Pedroia - You’ve shanked a man after a particularly brutal game of Monopoly.

Alfredo Aceves - “Yeah, I sweat a lot. What’s it to you?”

Bobby Valentine - You are a member of Bobby Valentine’s family.

New York Yankees:

Curtis Granderson - You love home runs, high socks, and women with long legs and brains.

CC Sabathia - You’re not fat, you’re big boned.

Nick Swisher - You’re the guy who always overstays your welcome.

(via DesigNateRobertson)

Tampa Bay Rays:

Evan Longoria/David Price - You like good baseball and you don’t care who knows it.

Ben Zobrist - You value versatility like nothing else.

Kyle Farnsworth - Two beers in and you’re ready for a brawl.

Toronto Blue Jays:

Jose Bautista - You have a beard and drink juice. And think that home runs should only be hit to left field.

Omar Vizquel - You value wisdom from our elders and think fans should play roughly the same amount of baseball as bench players.

Any Blue Jays Pitcher from 2012 - You’re a sadomasochist, one whose perversions border on illegal.

AL CENTRAL

Chicago White Sox:

Chris Sale - Slenderman doesn’t frighten you, rather it intrigues you.

Paul Konerko - You’re patient and thoughtful. You don’t allow your emotions to get the better of you. A natural leader.

Kevin Youkilis - You have family in Boston. And you hate them.

Cleveland Indians:

Justin Masterson - You’re risk averse, preferring to keep your money in low-risk mutual funds and CDs.

Matt Laporta - You believe in second chances. And third chances. Sometimes fourth chances. But not always.

Cleveland Naps - You refuse to wear a jersey that supports racism. You’re serious…ly awesome.

Detroit Tigers:

Prince Fielder - You love dingers and you’re not ashamed to admit it.

Justin Verlander - An eternal, curveball loving optimist.

Don Kelly - You are Jim Leyland.

Kansas City Royals:

Billy Butler - You’re salted meat consumption is frighteningly high.

(via GregHallKC)

Alex Gordon - Your report cards read “you have a lot of potential, if only you would commit yourself.”

Jeff Francoeur - You love smiles, bacon, and pretty swings. Or you’re making fun of Dayton Moore. Either/or.

Minnesota Twins:

Joe Mauer - You’re an All-American corn-fed fella, one who thinks that some facial hair is okay, but let’s not get crazy.

Jamey Carroll - You always wonder why Scooby didn’t give Scrappy Doo more responsibility.

Carl Pavano - 2010 was great, wasn’t it?

AL WEST:

Anaheim Angels:

Mike Trout - You enjoy Romantic poetry, particularly the works of Wordsworth and Byron. You’re a beautiful human being with a rich spirit.

Albert Pujols - You pretend to enjoy French New Wave, but really love Michael Bay movies.

Vernon Wells - You’re loyal, dagnubbit. When you buy a jersey, you wear it until it’s threadbare, damn the consequences.

Oakland Athletics:

Yoenis Cespedes - You’re a thrill seeker and weekend parkour warrior.

Tommy Milone - Slow and steady wins the race, that’s your motto.

Eric Sogard - You’re the best.

Seattle Mariners:

Muenenori Kawasaki - Let’s party.

Your browser does not support iframes.

Tom Wilhelmsen - Your favorite authors are Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson, and Kerouac.

Brendan Ryan - You experiment with facial hair and love to accessorize your outfit with flashy shoes and socks.

Texas Rangers:

Michael Young - You enjoy sports talk radio. And nothing else.

Derek Holland - You can’t grow a mustache, but you desperately, desperately want to.

(AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

Adrian Beltre - You once beat a man within an inch of his life because he rubbed your head. You see no reason to be ashamed of that story.

NL EAST

Atlanta Braves:

Dan Uggla - You know that Uggla means owl. And you tell everyone.

Jason Heyward - You’re firmly believe that life is a meritocracy and the cream will eventually rise to the top.

Chipper Jones - You’re an invalid.

Miami Marlins:

Ozzie Guillen - You spend most of your time on Twitter. You don’t regret it.

Giancarlo Stanton - You love Universal’s classic Frankenstein movies.

Mark Buehrle - You’re a busy man with a lot to do. You love baseball, but you can only give it 2, 2 1/2 hours tops.

New York Mets:

RA Dickey - You know that just living life is its own kind of Art. And that knuckleballs and beer are proof that life has meaning.

(via Amazin Avenue)

David Wright - You love tongue kissing.

(via SB Nation)

Jason Bay - You’re Canadian.

Philadelphia Phillies:

Roy Halladay - Your favorite Western, and frozen pizza brand, is Tombstone.

Ty Wigginton - You look an awful lot like Ty Wigginton. Your secret hope is that someone will see you in the jersey and think you are, in fact, Ty Wigginton.

Juan Pierre - “I don’t care what the numbers say, bunts and stirrup socks have a value.”

Washington Nationals:

Bryce Harper - You keep this photo in your billfold.

(GQ/Chris McPherson)

Stephen Strasburg - You’re a neurotic, livin in constant fear of doom and destruction.

Tyler Clippard - You don’t know why people wear goggles all the time. It’s just safer, man.

NL CENTRAL

Chicago Cubs:

Darwin Barney - You strongly believe in evolution.

Tony Campana - You wear lifters in your shoes.

Carlos Marmol - Your nights out either end in tears, handcuffs, or good times.

Cincinnati Reds:

Bronson Arroyo - You love acoustic versions of radio-friendly modern rock songs.

Joey Votto - You believe that the most beautiful feature a human can have is exquisitely crafted eyebrows.

Scott Rolen - You bring your glove to every game, even though you’re 37.

Houston Astros:

Jose Altuve - Your favorite actor is Peter Dinklage. And your favorite general was Napoleon. Oddly enough, your favorite basketball player is Manute Bol.

Brett Wallace - Big butts, you can’t get enough.

Jeff Luhnow - You’re a giant nerd. But a really likable giant nerd.

Milwaukee Brewers:

Nyjer Morgan - You’re unpredictable and even your best friends are a little frightened of you. All you want to do is fly a kite, though.

Ryan Braun - You firmly believe in the appeals process and that chain of command is of the utmost importance.

John Axford - You have a mustache. It’s patchy and kind of gross, but you have one, dammit.

Pittsburgh Pirates:

Andrew McCutchen - You value only the finest things in life—fine wines, literature, and baseball players.

Jeff Karstens - This is your face at rest.

Travis Snider - You take “meats don’t clash” a little too literally. When you get to the ballpark, you order a hot dog, hamburger, and chicken fingers and load them all onto the same plate.

St. Louis Cardinals:

Lance Berkman - You’ve been called the fat version of celebrities and you didn’t like it either.