The fashion decisions of the average baseball fan are strange and difficult ones to make. Not only must one select the proper cap with which to express their allegiance, whether to a town, team, or time period, but if they go with a player jersey, they must express themselves through someone else’s name.
While we can all agree that getting your own name on the back of your jersey is cute (if you’re under 10), or repugnant (if you’re over 10), your choice of player jersey says a lot about you as a human being.
So, what does your jersey say about you?
Matt Wieters - You have wallpapered your house in Wieters facts and will engage anyone in the value of good defense behind the plate.
Manny Machado - You are a futurist, constantly pushing for brighter days.
BJ Surhoff - You are my best friend though we haven’t met yet.
Boston Red Sox:
Dustin Pedroia - You’ve shanked a man after a particularly brutal game of Monopoly.
Alfredo Aceves - “Yeah, I sweat a lot. What’s it to you?”
Bobby Valentine - You are a member of Bobby Valentine’s family.
New York Yankees:
Curtis Granderson - You love home runs, high socks, and women with long legs and brains.
CC Sabathia - You’re not fat, you’re big boned.
Nick Swisher - You’re the guy who always overstays your welcome.
Tampa Bay Rays:
Evan Longoria/David Price - You like good baseball and you don’t care who knows it.
Ben Zobrist - You value versatility like nothing else.
Kyle Farnsworth - Two beers in and you’re ready for a brawl.
Toronto Blue Jays:
Jose Bautista - You have a beard and drink juice. And think that home runs should only be hit to left field.
Omar Vizquel - You value wisdom from our elders and think fans should play roughly the same amount of baseball as bench players.
Any Blue Jays Pitcher from 2012 - You’re a sadomasochist, one whose perversions border on illegal.
Chicago White Sox:
Chris Sale - Slenderman doesn’t frighten you, rather it intrigues you.
Paul Konerko - You’re patient and thoughtful. You don’t allow your emotions to get the better of you. A natural leader.
Kevin Youkilis - You have family in Boston. And you hate them.
- You’re risk averse, preferring to keep your money in low-risk mutual funds and CDs.
- You believe in second chances. And third chances. Sometimes fourth chances. But not always.
Cleveland Naps - You refuse to wear a jersey that supports racism. You’re serious…ly awesome.
Prince Fielder - You love dingers and you’re not ashamed to admit it.
Justin Verlander - An eternal, curveball loving optimist.
Don Kelly - You are Jim Leyland.
Kansas City Royals:
Billy Butler - You’re salted meat consumption is frighteningly high.
Alex Gordon - Your report cards read “you have a lot of potential, if only you would commit yourself.”
Jeff Francoeur - You love smiles, bacon, and pretty swings. Or you’re making fun of Dayton Moore. Either/or.
Joe Mauer - You’re an All-American corn-fed fella, one who thinks that some facial hair is okay, but let’s not get crazy.
Jamey Carroll - You always wonder why Scooby didn’t give Scrappy Doo more responsibility.
Carl Pavano - 2010 was great, wasn’t it?
Mike Trout - You enjoy Romantic poetry, particularly the works of Wordsworth and Byron. You’re a beautiful human being with a rich spirit.
Albert Pujols - You pretend to enjoy French New Wave, but really love Michael Bay movies.
Vernon Wells - You’re loyal, dagnubbit. When you buy a jersey, you wear it until it’s threadbare, damn the consequences.
Yoenis Cespedes - You’re a thrill seeker and weekend parkour warrior.
Tommy Milone - Slow and steady wins the race, that’s your motto.
Eric Sogard - You’re the best.
Muenenori Kawasaki - Let’s party.
Tom Wilhelmsen - Your favorite authors are Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson, and Kerouac.
Brendan Ryan - You experiment with facial hair and love to accessorize your outfit with flashy shoes and socks.
Michael Young - You enjoy sports talk radio. And nothing else.
Derek Holland - You can’t grow a mustache, but you desperately,
desperately want to.
(AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)
Adrian Beltre - You once beat a man within an inch of his life because he rubbed your head. You see no reason to be ashamed of that story.
Dan Uggla - You know that Uggla means owl. And you tell everyone.
Jason Heyward - You’re firmly believe that life is a meritocracy and the cream will eventually rise to the top.
Chipper Jones - You’re an invalid.
Ozzie Guillen - You spend most of your time on Twitter. You don’t regret it.
Giancarlo Stanton - You love Universal’s classic Frankenstein movies.
Mark Buehrle - You’re a busy man with a lot to do. You love baseball, but you can only give it 2, 2 1/2 hours tops.
New York Mets:
RA Dickey - You know that just living life is its own kind of Art. And that knuckleballs and beer are proof that life has meaning.
David Wright - You love tongue kissing.
Jason Bay - You’re Canadian.
Roy Halladay - Your favorite Western, and frozen pizza brand, is Tombstone.
Ty Wigginton - You look an awful lot like Ty Wigginton. Your secret hope is that someone will see you in the jersey and think you are, in fact, Ty Wigginton.
Juan Pierre - “I don’t care what the numbers say, bunts and stirrup socks have a value.”
Bryce Harper - You keep
this photo in your billfold.
Stephen Strasburg - You’re a neurotic, livin in constant fear of doom and destruction.
Tyler Clippard - You don’t know why people wear goggles all the time. It’s just safer, man.
Darwin Barney - You strongly believe in evolution.
Tony Campana - You wear lifters in your shoes.
Carlos Marmol - Your nights out either end in tears, handcuffs, or good times.
Bronson Arroyo - You love acoustic versions of radio-friendly modern rock songs.
Joey Votto - You believe that the most beautiful feature a human can have is exquisitely crafted eyebrows.
Scott Rolen - You bring your glove to every game, even though you’re 37.
Jose Altuve - Your favorite actor is Peter Dinklage. And your favorite general was Napoleon. Oddly enough, your favorite basketball player is Manute Bol.
Brett Wallace - Big butts, you can’t get enough.
Jeff Luhnow - You’re a giant nerd. But a really likable giant nerd.
Nyjer Morgan - You’re unpredictable and even your best friends are a little frightened of you.
All you want to do is fly a kite, though.
Ryan Braun - You firmly believe in the appeals process and that chain of command is of the utmost importance.
John Axford - You have a mustache. It’s patchy and kind of gross, but you have one, dammit.
Andrew McCutchen - You value only the finest things in life—fine wines, literature, and baseball players.
Jeff Karstens - This is
your face at rest.
Travis Snider - You take “meats don’t clash” a little too literally. When you get to the ballpark, you order a hot dog, hamburger, and chicken fingers and load them all onto the same plate.
St. Louis Cardinals:
Lance Berkman - You’ve been called the fat version of celebrities and you didn’t like it either.
Marc Rzepczynski - You don’t even like baseball. But when you heard that his nickname was Scrabble, well, you had to pick it up for your weekly game.
David Freese - You enjoyed George Clooney’s
Batman and Robin, mostly because Mr. Freeze is in it. You don’t tell people about this.
Josh Collmenter - You hate Wade Miley. And you love throwing axes.
Justin Upton - You have high expectations in every facet of your life. You are often disappointed.
Willie Bloomquist - You’re developing a new RPG video game: Bloomquest. It’s going to be a real big hit.
Jason Giambi - You also own a gold thong that you wear for “luck.”
Todd Helton - You believe that a man is not a man unless he has a goatee.
Charlie Blackmon -
You’re Carson Cistulli.
Los Angeles Dodgers:
Kershaw/Kemp - You make sound decisions, based upon solid principles with an eye towards future growth.
AJ/Mark Ellis - You’re frugal. With a quick change to the number (a 4 becomes a 7), you can now support two different players.
Juan Uribe - You are a
San Diego Padres:
Chase Headley - You see the glass half full.
Dale Thayer - You drink whiskey. Only whiskey.
Chris Denorfia - You make a lot of prat falls. Well, you call them prat falls.
San Francisco Giants:
Pablo Sandoval -
“Kung Fu Panda was okay, but Kung Fu Panda 2, that’s where it’s at.”
Ryan Vogelsong - You once traveled to Japan for two weeks and came back to America a changed man.
Sergio Romo - You consider yourself a foppish dandy.