The Pirates May Not Win A Baseball Game, But They May Win A War*

*And sadly, not that kind of WAR.

The Pittsburgh Pirates, having dropped back into an Astro-like den of despair to end the 2012 season, their hopes of the playoffs and a .500 record a distant dream, must once again count on the Major Leaguers of the Future in their struggle for relevancy. And the way they’re going about it is awfully strange. 

Dejan Kovacevic talked to a few ballplayers in the Instructional League about what Kyle Stark, Pirates assistant GM, has outlined for them including, and this is not a joke, “Dream and be creative like a Hippie. Have the discipline and perseverance of a Boy Scout. Be crazy and take risks like the Hells Angels.” These are actual things that Kyle Stark, a non-baseball player, has written.

And here are the activities laid out for these teenage Navy SEALS of the ballfield (once again, I must remind you, this is all true and not the usual mix of truth and made up jokes I usually post): 

  • Wake up at 5 a.m.
  • Organize room/locker
  • Pushups and sit-ups
  • Serpentine on the grass
  • Crab walk
  • Running along the beach with a telephone-type pole, carried by five or six players
  • Pushing a truck tire through the outfield for 90 feet, then flipping it
  • Being sprayed by a hose
  • Diving into a sand pile
  • All with a drill sergeant barking orders throughout.

Final reminder, these are teenage ballplayers in Instructional League ball and not soldiers with a passing interest in the sport. While the image of stirrup-socked crab walkers and telephone pole carriers is amusing, by far the most hilarious is that of players being sprayed by a hose. Because what purpose does that possibly serve other than making people wet and uncomfortable? Plus, I can’t get this image out of my mind: 

You wouldn’t think the Pirates season couldn’t get more embarrassing after a 9-22 skid since August 16th, and yet, here we are. But if ever a battle is brought to the Florida shores, I guess we’ll be thankful for Kyle Stark. 

  1. oldtimefamilybaseball posted this
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