Marlins Release Ozzie Guillen Back Into The Wild
After only one year spent in Miami, the Marlins have released Ozzie Guillen back into his natural habitat, three years earlier than their original plans.
Said team owner, Jeffrey Loria:
“Today, the Miami Marlins are proud to set Ozzie Guillen free. Though we grew to love his adorable scruff and constant baying, after only one year of rehabilitation, it is time for him to return to the wild, no longer cooped up in tiny clubhouses and form-fitting uniforms. We will all miss him and pray that he is not devoured by a hawk.”
Other wildlife officials are not so sure, however. Said an unnamed World Wildlife Foundation chairmember:
“While we advocate the releasing of animals into their natural habitat, there is a reason why the Marlins, after consulting with members of our organization, planned on a four year process. Unfortunately, some people, once their pets are no longer so cute, decide to set them free, not understanding how dangerous it is both for the animal and the population at large.”
While the hope is for Guillen to return to his rookery, some worry that after a year in the Miami nightlife, he’ll be too comfortable to return to the wilderness. While he looks cute, local police have warned residents not to feed him Jell-O and to please not bring up Fidel Castro.
City officials are monitoring his Twitter usage, but if you see him, remain calm and contact the Miami Marlins Wildlife Foundation.