John Dugan Barrett: Bop Marry Kill: Sam Malone, Roy Hobbs, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez

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Well, it’s been a while, huh dear readers? Boy have I missed you guys. I really have. But more than that, I’m just plain happy as hell to be making my return for Old Time Family Baseball’s now annual blogathon. In the last few months, I’ve had a lot of time to think about sex and murder and marriage, so I think I have a lot of good things to offer here.

So, as you may have figured from this appearing on a baseball blog, today’s entry is Baseball themed. We will be examining three fictional baseball players. First up, Boston’s favorite son, Sam Malone (of Cheers [NBC]). Next, we will examine the apparently divinely endowed talents of Mr. Roy Hobbs (of the Natural.) Finally, we will explore the only person on this list who I still believe is real, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (of the Sandlot.) Let’s get into this.

First up: Sam Malone.

Why you should bop him:

Look at that luxurious mane! And the swagger. And he runs a bar, so you can probably get wasted for cheap! But not with Sam. He’s in recovery. So you know he’s seen and done some messed up stuff, which, if that’s not a thing that turns you on, you’re a weirdo. Also, the word “lothario” appears a surprising amount on his wikipedia page.

Why you should marry him:

He runs a bar that is famously CONSTANTLY full of people who are CONSTANTLY drinking, so he’s gotta be rolling in fat dough. Plus he’s occasionally in beer commercials. Also, he’s in alcohol recovery, so he probably has a handle on his behavior in a lot of ways. Or something.

Why you should kill him:

He was a FILTHY FREAKING RED SOCK!

Next, Roy Hobbs.

Why you should bop him:

HE’S ROBERT GOD DAMNED REDFORD! WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING?

Why you should marry him:

He’s so devoted to his family, that he makes his bat out of the tree that killed his father… wait, that’s actually super weird. But at least his illegitimate son that he didn’t know about is the reason he hit his playoff-clinching home run! Plus, he’s a naturally gifted athlete, who can make magic bats out of deadly trees.

Why you should kill him:

Well, for one, a bunch of people seem to REALLY want him dead, so you can probably get some money for it. Plus, he’s apparently some sort of lightning/tree wizard. Also, that stomach thing seems like it’s basically a long-term death sentence that’s going to suck a lot, so maybe just put him out of his misery?

Finally, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez.

Why you should bop him:

Do I need to really write anything here? Can’t you all just go and watch that scene in The Sandlot where he gets the ball back? I don’t what the sex version of PF Flyers are, but I’m sure he’ll wear them and ROCK YOUR WORLD. Plus, I don’t know what the sexual equivalent of stealing home is, but I bet having it done to you is really awesome.

Why you should marry him:

While the movie doesn’t discuss his major league career in all that much detail, he IS on the Dodgers, and his career has been notable enough for Smalls to observe that “folks say he’s lost a step or two.” So he’s got major league baseball money. And with that mustache, the endorsements have got to come rolling in upon retirement.

Why you should kill him:

I’m pretty sure PF Flyers count as Performance Enhancing Drugs. And if they don’t, the sage advice of a wise, blind, old black man DEFINITELY counts. And we all know that doing anything at all to enhance your performance, even with the tacit support of the entire sports viewing/writing-about/knowing-about world, is the most evil thing someone can do.

The Final Verdict:

I’d make crap up about how hard of a decision this is to make, but it’s not, so here you all go:

Bop: Roy Hobbs. The reasoning here is twofold. 1) He’s Robert Freaking Redford. 2) He has three separate lady-callers over the course of the movie. Plus all the shit about being naturally gifted. He almost definitely has a huge schlong.

Marry: Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. He’s just as talented as Roy Hobbs, but his bravery takes a more physical manifestation which, I don’t know, means something probably. Also, he doesn’t have that pesky moral opposition to taking money for throwing a game.

Kill: Sam Malone. Kill him and every member of every Red Sox team.

Bop Marry Kill is a blog run by John Dugan Barrett. John himself was forged in a volcano of the purest of metals. He is the savior the prophets foretold of. You can read things he says about butts and wieners at his twitter page.

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