With only one day of voting left, I wanted to come to you, the students and faculty of Grand Fork Elementary School, and tell you the kind of broad changes I hope to enact if elected to the MLB Fan Cave. The kind of changes that will make a real impact on your young, impressionable, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic watching brains.
You have your whole lives in front of you, lives full of adventure and opportunity. Well, I’m here today to say let’s show those fat cats in Washington just what we plan on doing.
My MLB Fan Cave platform is simple:
- Convince Ken Griffey Jr to play baseball again. Possibly become best friends.
- Force Tim Wakefield to make knuckleball throwing robots with lasers.
- Team up with Jose Bautista. Travel the glove solving crimes, perhaps solving the riddle hidden in the US Constitution.
- Make cafeteria serve more chicken nuggets and pizza.
- Create rule that stirrup socks are a required part of both the Major League uniform, but the human being uniform as well.
- Make baseball videos that take on world Issues or use a public domain Batman-like character. (Probably none of the former, all of the latter).
- Create Web 3.0. Turns out, it looks a lot like this:
- Force the USDA to list Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as a food that should be consumed 3-18 times a day.
- Start a Candlebox cover band with Bronson Arroyo.
- Race Billy Hamilton around the world in 80 days.
So, please, good people of Grand Forks Elementary, home of the Flying Gators, put aside your partisan differences, and let us walk hand in hand to the future.
Oh yeah, and if you don’t like scrolling up, the link is here again.
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