Kyle Lohse’s Offseason Diary

Sept. 29, 2012

Dear Diary,

Season ended today, whoo! And what a season it was. Not only will my team be going to the playoffs, but I had one great season. Sure, I lost today, but just look at these numbers: 16-3, 2.86 ERA, 211 innings pitched. And I’m a free agent? I mean, whoa! I know I struggled early in my career, but thanks to my hardwork and sticktoitiveness (is that a word?) I’m sure to be handsomely rewarded when I sign this offseason. Maybe I’ll be a Yankee! Okay, okay. Don’t get too excited. Anyway, gotta go, wife wants to watch Downton Abbey (which I secretly really enjoy!)

Oct. 22, 2012

Dear Diary,

Uggghh! Lost today and now we’re out of the playoffs and it’s all my fault. I feel really, really lousy about letting down all my teammates. I try and tell myself that hey, you win some, you lose some, but it still really hurts. 

Guess I’m a free agent, now though. Call me Lohse, Kyle Lohse. Get it, like James Bond? He’s a secret agent, I’m a free agent? Why am I even telling jokes to my diary? I’m my diary! Anyway, gotta go ice the arm, drink a few cold ones and get ready for next year. 

Nov. 1, 2012

Dear Diary,

Met with Scott (Boras) today. Boy, he sure is nice to me. Told me to choose any donut I wanted. We talked for a while, watched some funny YouTube videos and he told me I’m about to get super, duper rich. Which is great. I mean, I don’t need more stuff, but it’s nice to not have to worry. Plus, maybe I’ll start a charity with all my money. The Kyle Lohse…well, we can figure it out later. Cardinals made a qualifying offer for $13.3 million, but we’re going to turn it down. I mean, it’s nice and all, but I can do better. Sometimes, days are great. Gonna get a cheeseburger! (Cheeseburger in Paradise!) 

Nov. 9, 2012

Dear Diary,

Here we go! Ready to be signed. Any minute now. (I keep putting my phone in my pocket and feeling phantom rings. Heh heh. Hope to sign a contract soon, won’t be stressed anymore.) 

Dec. 4, 2012

Dear Diary,

Just hangin’ out, relaxin’ acting all cool! Have you seen Fresh Prince before? It’s a funny show. I’ve been watching a lot of it lately. Still without a team, but it’s cool. Lots of interest from the Dodgers, Angels, Red Sox…everybody who’s anybody. Just trying to keep my arm in shape and spend time with the family. Also, MINI MUFFINS ARE FREAKIN’ DELICIOUS. Had like, a dozen today. Will have to work out a little bit longer, but hey, you only live once. 

Dec. 25, 2012

Dear Diary,

Merry Christmas! Got a new grill today and Justified on Blu-Ray. Gonna cook some brats while watching Raylan Givens. That guy, he’s a real hoot! I wonder if when I’m done playing baseball if I could join the Marshall Service. If I can throw a baseball, I can probably shoot a gun? Though the wife would kill me (If Boyd Crowder didn’t first!)

January 4, 2013

Dear Diary,

Made some new New Year’s resolutions. Resolution 1: Win 300 ballgames. Resolution 2: Strikeout 500 batters in a season. Resolution 3: Sign a 7 year, $400 million contract. Resolution 4: Star in an action movie. I know some of these are pretty unrealistic, but gotta reach for the stars, right? 

Still haven’t signed with anybody, but I know it’s just a matter of time. Just a matter of time. Scott tells me to relax, that I’m the steak and everyone will come running once they get to smell the sizzle. That guy, he’s like a poet.

January 21, 2013

Hey Diary,

Okay, okay. I know, just breathe right? But it’s hard not to have a job. I like to be gainfully employed! I’m talking to all my friends and they’re heading to Arizona and Florida soon and what am I gonna do? Hang around here, finishing up my cross stitch patterns? (Just made a robin that I’m particularly proud of. Gonna hang it in the guest bathroom. I find it relaxing.) But seriously, I’d like to sign. Why don’t people like me? I mean, 16 wins! 2.86 ERA! Isn’t that worth some 18 year old nobody in the draft? Scott tells me I am. 

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” — that’s my new mantra. Thanks, Stuart Smalley! 

February 14, 2013

Dear Diary,

Spring Training started. More like spring training FARTED.

February 23, 2013

Dear Diary,

WHAT IS GOING ON? I’M NOT SLEEPING, I’M NOT EATING. Somebody, help me! Scotty tells me, “Hey Kyle. Just focus. Stay in shape. The money’s there.” BUT WHAT IF IT’S NOT SCOTT? WHAT IF IT’S NOT? Me and the wife are fighting a lot too. Have to sleep on the couch tonight. It’s okay. It’s okay. Just say it’s okay. It’ll be okay. I’ll have a job soon. Eyes on the prize, Lohsey, eyes on the prize.

March 12, 2013

Dear Diary,

You know those little shadows in the corner of your eyes? What if they’re not just shadows? What if they’re evil spirits? I remember playing with the Ouija board when I was 12. Am I cursed? Will I die tonight? 

March 17, 2013

can’t talk long. they’re out there. watching me. gotta protect my family. i love them. boy i screwed up. i just want to play baseball. why can’t i just play baseball? even the cardinals don’t want me anymore. i’m stupid. i’m stupid stupid stupid. 

they’re here.

March 25, 2013

Dear Diary,

Whoa! Talk about a long, strange trip huh? Not to bury the lede or anything (I sound just like a regular newsman), but I signed with the Brewers today! 3 years, $33 million. Sure, it’s not what I was looking for, but I can buy a looooot of bratwurst with that money. Ha ha! Probably could buy a whole bratwurst factory if I wanted to. Plus, I get to play for a team named after beer. (Don’t say anything, but I’m more of a “micro-brew” guy than a Miller guy, but hey, I don’t want to be pompous.)

Sure was silly to get worked up over such a little thing as not having a job. Fortunately, wife forgave me for getting a little bit of the ‘crazies.’ Looking forward to a great 2013. 

(PS. THE SHADOW PEOPLE ARE REAL).

  1. a-casias reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball and added:
    Hilarious
  2. fuckeditlikeaseashell reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball
  3. ruthian reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball and added:
    This is so funny, and perhaps not that far from the truth….
  4. southsidesutherland reblogged this from 636benjamin
  5. 636benjamin reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball and added:
    Probably closer to real than we might like to think.
  6. stolenandbroken reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball
  7. imthatginger reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball
  8. roughtumblekn reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball and added:
    Spring training is ending more like Kyle Lohse is ascending. This is fantastic.
  9. alexpietranjellos reblogged this from insulinjunkie
  10. thereisfate reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball
  11. hemmimgsluke reblogged this from michaelwacha
  12. michaelwacha reblogged this from carlosbeltrans
  13. insulinjunkie reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball
  14. liz-lemon-is-my-spirit-animal reblogged this from ineedaunicornanddavidfreese and added:
    Look, I do appreciate what he did for us, and I don’t wish him ill, but he had kinda of a crap attitude toward the end...
  15. ineedaunicornanddavidfreese reblogged this from shortyshortstop
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