The Best Names in the MLB Draft

There are those that claim your name determines your destiny. That the reason so many Berthas are big-boned is because of the name. It’s why there are very few criminals named Batman, I’d imagine. So while scouting reports and statistics can help you make sense of the 1,000+ players selected in last week’s amateur draft, are they any better of a guide than their names? I say no. 

While every player can’t be promised the same future that Stone Speer or Dakota Dill have, or are lucky enough to be a clone like Michael Fish of the Angels, that doesn’t mean that a life of meaning can’t be had. 

Broken down into convenient categorization, here are the best names of the 2013 draft (overall pick number and drafting team in parenthesis.) 

Food

Mark Appel (1, Astros)

Dakota Dill (793, Braves)

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Should have been a basketball player

Trey Ball (7, Red Sox) 

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Gathering of the Juggalos

Eric Jagielo (26, Yankees)

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Due for a Life of Crime

Matt Krook (35, Marlins)

Narciso Crook (705, Reds)

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So Said Zarathustra

Rob Zastryzny (41, Cubs)

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Fun to Say

Teddy Stankiewicz (45, Red Sox)

Kevin Ziomek (58, Tigers)

Nick Vander Tuig (192, Giants)

Kyle Bartsch (204, Royals)

James Yezzo (226, Nationals)

Jimmie Sherfy (300, Diamondbacks)

Johneshwy Fargas (342, Giants)

Giuseppe Papaccio (528, Cubs)

Iolana Akau (611, Athletics)

Nelson Zulueta (652, Marlins)

Hyrum Formo (818, Rays)

Nick Zammarelli (833, Red Sox)

Federico Castagnini (909, Orioles)

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1980s CBS Detective

Chance Sisco (61, Orioles)

Stone Speer (758, Rays)

Joseph Palumbo (910, Rangers)

Parker Bugg (1029, Orioles)

Wolfie Tash (1173, White Sox)

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Dirty Words

Amalani Fukofuka (144, Royals)

Kevin Kuntz (834, Royals)

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Already Has a Home Run Call

Akeem Bostick (62, Rangers)

Jimmy Yacabonis (399, Orioles)

Brandon Bayardi (1087, Angels)

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Probably a character in an unsuccessful fantasy series

Alex Balog (70, Rockies)

Gosuke Katoh (66, Yankees)

Sicnarf Loopstok (381, Indians)

Drew Ghelfi (752, Brewers)

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Lives on Skull Island

Tyler Skulina (108, Cubs)

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Probably an English Gentleman in Disguise

Thaddius Lowry (153, White Sox)

Jacob Nottingham (167, Astros)

Iramis Olivencia (232, Marlins) 

Lachlan Fontaine (387, Mariners)

Daniel Poncedeleon (408, Cubs)

Chase Brookshire (605, Cardinals)

Jace Chancellor (838, Padres)

Ivory Thomas (1010, Twins)

Corneilus Copeland (1078, Padres)

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Probably Didn’t Hack His Parents Up with an Axe

Buddy Borden (209, Pirates)

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A Future Space Wizard

Brandon Trinkwon (214, Dodgers)

Daniel Rockett (264, Royals)

Jacob Zokan (267, Mariners)

Logan Uxa (975, Reds)

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That Sound When You’re Having a Quiet Conversation But Your Stomach is Sick

Nick Rumbelow (224, Yankees)

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Probably a Woodsman

Forrest Allday (233, Red Sox)

JB Woodman (1196, Mets)

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The Most Depressed Player in the Draft

Kendall Graveman (235, Blue Jays)

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Probably Hung Up On His Sexual Development 

Chris Freudenberg (243, White Sox)

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Future Accountant

Donald Snelten (282, Giants)

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More like Butt Wiper

Cole Wiper (310, Rangers)

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Born on a Monday

Jerad Grundy (311, Athletics)

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Showing Rock? Sorry, I’m Showing Paper

Erik Schoenrock (328, Padres)

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If Only His Name Was Jack

Jake Drehoff (353, Red Sox)

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The Touch, The Feel

Chris Cotton (407, Astros)

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Dead Dove, Do Not Eat

Samuel Dove (421, Phillies)

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How Good is He?

Riley Good (427, Angels)

Hever Bueno (524, Yankees)

Chris Okey (928, Padres)

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Royalty

Ben Veralander (426, Tigers)

Mike Yastrzemski (429, Orioles)

Cavan Biggio (871, Phillies)

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The Fart

Randolph Gassaway (489, Orioles)

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The President

Matthew Whitehouse (561, Indians)

Derek Beauprez (743, Red Sox)

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Are you more of a leg man or a breast man? 

Morgan Earman (626, Mets)

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From the Garden

Derek Toadvine (674, Yankees)

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Remember the…place. Where all those people fought? 

Tyler Alamo (708, Cubs)

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The Calmest of Eyes

Bud Jeter (750, Diamondbacks)

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Such Bright Plumage

Kyren Gilmore Parrott (782, Brewers)

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Works Really Hard

Joel Effertz (832, Marlins

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In the Prison Yard

Zach Shank (837, Mariners)

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Was He Named after a Crate & Barrel?

Crayton Bare (844, Dodgers)

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Loves to Party

Justin Livengood (298, Padres)

Rowdy Tellez (895, Blue Jays)

Jason Jester (898, Padres)

AJ Puk (1056, Tigers)

-

The Coolest

Guzman Michaelangelo (927, Mariners)

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Wait, seriously? Have the Angels learned to clone humans? 

Michael Fish (967, Angels)

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The Man Who Birthed 1,000 Office Space References

Cole Stapler (1042, Marlins)

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For the Kids

Tyler Toyfair (1050, Diamondbacks)

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And for last year’s fun names, click here

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    You don’t even have to like baseball to like this
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    I’m dying…
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    It’s THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN! (Click over for “Home Run Call” ones. So good.
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    Ha!
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    just fantastic…fav categories (not just a detective, but a CBS detective)- 1980s CBS Detective Chance Sisco (61,...
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    I think my favorite category is “Most likely didn’t kill his parents with an Axe” Also, Jason Jester is a huge jerk. I’m...
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