(image via Papergreat)
I have an unhealthy, some would say bordering-on-a-character-in-a-Tim-Burton-movie fixation with death. Not in the, “I want to be a mortician way,” but in the almost constant “Wait a second. One day I’ll be dead. And you’ll be dead. And everyone I’ve ever known will be dead. Yikes stripes,” kind of way. It’s honestly one of the reasons I like baseball— the timeless, maybe it will never end quality, the history, the fact that I can look up a guy with one at-bat in 1922 and see his sum of his baseball contributions are all very appealing to me.
Which brings us to the point of all of this: the Lehigh Valley IronPigs are giving away a funeral on August 20th during their “Celebration of Life” night. And to win the grand prize provided by Reichle Funeral Home, featuring a casket, body removal, vehicle transfer, and all those other fun things you won’t be around to see, all you need to do is write a 200 word essay on why you deserve a free post-life party and show up to the game.
Which means, sadly, I won’t be getting the funeral of my life. Here is what my entry would have said:
It’s raining out. A procession of miserable, sobbing friends and family members walk up to my casket, looking to the heavens and crying “Why, God?! Why now?!” A photo of my smiling face looks down upon them. I’m probably wearing my Pirates pillbox cap because it’s fashionable and hides my thinning hair.
Just then, the lights flicker and…burn out, pop, pop, pop. A low rumbling, like thunder, is heard. The creaking of the casket as it pops open, though people can’t be sure of what they’re seeing on account of the darkness. Whispered words, speaking in tongues are heard bouncing around the room. People are frightened as they see a spectral form of my body start to flit about in the rafters (Note: this would be an expensive hologram).
Just then, the lights turn back on, LCD Soundsystem’s “Daft Punk is Playing At My House” blares from the speakers, and Munenori Kawasaki comes out to dance for the crowd. All of a sudden, those tears are turned into smiles. Everyone is happy. And what’s that? Craig Counsell is going to give a batting stance lesson to everyone in attendance. “Why, this isn’t a bad time at all!” a few of the members in the crowd can be heard saying.
Oh yeah, and I’m not really dead. Instead, I’m hiding on the balcony looking down at everyone. Because being dead is a drag.
Best of luck to everyone in the Lehigh Valley area. I hope you win the funeral of your dreams
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