Last night, a number of players had two home run games, each doing it with their own unique style, panache, twist. It was beautiful, beautiful baseball.
CATEGORY I: Glory Days
Alfonso Soriano has kind of upped his Alfonso Soriano-ness since rejoining the Yankees, striking out 21 times and walking only twice. Of course, before last night, he was also hitting only .193/.220/.368 with the pinstripe set, so that late career magic hadn’t seemed to have made the trip from Chicago.
But last night, playing against the Angels, Soriano cracked two out, driving in six. They weren’t A-Bombs by A-Rod (shudder), but they were pretty swell.
CATEGORY II: Style
You may not have been paying attention to Brad Miller, but I have. Did you know, that in only 157 AB, Miller already has 4 triples? That’s pretty cool. And that his OPS of .769 puts him 7th among shortstops with at least 150 PA? That’s pretty damn rad.
But, oh yeah, Brad Miller is also the apple of my eye because he cares not for soft, silky hands, preferring instead to feel the cold, hard wood of the bat directly in his palms, splinters be damned. And that’s right, he cares not for the modesty of today’s players, instead proudly showing off his muscular calves for all the world to see with fashion’s greatest staple: the stirrup sock.
And so, last night, when Miller homered twice, it wasn’t just for the Mariners. It was a grand moment for fashion, shocking and beautiful, like McQueen’s armadillo shoes. And when he lead off the game, taking Chris Archer deep despite Archer’s own beautiful socks? Let’s just say there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
CATEGORY III: Useless Utility
Ben Zobrist, the most overlooked player on the least watched team, also hit two home runs. Like Miller, he also lead the game off with a home run. But he lost. Because life is cruel and rewards no one for their noble efforts.
It seems almost fitting. Sorry, Mr. Zobrist, but until you can learn to play just one position, as it was written in the Bible, these things will continue to happen.
CATEGORY IV: Narrative
With Arizona struggling valiantly to remain relevant in the postseason picture, 7.5 behind the Dodgers in the West, 5.5 behind the second wild card position, Paul Goldschmidt, America’s First Baseman, was having none of it.
With the score 3-2 in the Orioles favor, Goldschmidt homered to tie it in the bottom of the ninth. Still deadlocked at 3 in the 11th, Goldschmidt once again homered, crushing the Orioles spirit (probably) and proving that there was nothing but trickery and witchcraft that was responsible for the Orioles amazing one-run and extra innings record last season (maybe).
CATEGORY V: Fun to Say
There is a baseball player with the name Scooter. It’s almost obscene how perfect it is that there is a Scooter playing baseball in the 21st century, as if he were some kind of ageless relic transported to our time. Oddly enough, did you know only four “Scooters” have played Major League Baseball? And that 50% of them played during the 1950s? That seems about right.
But last night, Scooter Gennett hit two home runs off of Alexi Ogando, watching his SLG jump up nearly 100 points thanks to only being on the Brewers early June.
Most importantly though, it’s so much fun to call a Gennett home run, even if the announcers missed their golden opportunity.
I mean, just think of the possibilities.
- Scooty’s got his booty!
- Scooter just straight up scooted that one over the fence!
- Hey nerds! Grab your compScooters and tally up that stat category, because that’s long gone!
- Marco Scootero.
One day, one day.
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