Shane Victorino, David Ortiz Auction off “Beard Balls,” History Forever Changed

FEAR THE BEARD!

MAKE WAY FOR BEARDS AND THINGS LIKE BEARDS! 

COWER IN FEAR AS BLOOD DRIPS DOWN MY BEARD AND CLOTS DEEP WITHIN THE FOREST OF HAIR.

These were the battle cries coming out of Boston this past season when the Boston Red Sox went from worst to first, winning a World Series along the way.

At the end of the year, Shane Victorino and David Ortiz shaved off their beards, for charity. Little did they know that the hair would be collected, reconstituted into something vaguely resembling a ball, and then auctioned off. Also for charity.

I have to imagine bad things will happen. 

GUY 1: Hey man, for the party this weekend, we should probably get a beer ball. 

GUY 2: On it.

Three days later.

GUY 2: I got the beard ball you asked for.

GUY 2: /Presents what looks like a record player with a ball of hair on it.

GUY 2: Party’s gonna be sick. This rules.

GUY 1: What?

GUY 2: Bet no other party has a reconstituted ball of David Ortiz’s facial hair. 

GUY 1: What?

GUY 2: Beard ball. I got the Beard Ball.

———

Or, I have to imagine that in 1,000 years, aliens will come down to Earth and they’ll stumble upon this Beard ball. And their anthropologists will suss out that athletes once played “Beardball” a game quite like baseball, except that the ball was made of hair, players swung axes instead of bats, and the winning team was rewarded with a flapjack dinner.

Actually, that sounds awesome. I think I like that game more than baseball. I like baseball a whole lot.

Anyway, if you want to bid on this item, you can. David Ortiz’s is going for over $2,000 and Victorino’s is currently under $1,000. Which seems like a small price to pay for something that Indiana Jones should really be stealing and putting in a museum.

  1. lubetzky reblogged this from oldtimefamilybaseball
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  4. sodajunkie82 said: i’d rather have schilling’s bloody sock, or buckner’s “oh shit” face
  5. oldtimefamilybaseball posted this
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