Old Time Family Baseball

Shut Yo Mouth

michaelclair — Fri, 18 May 2012 07:39:01 -0700

“Albert Pujols? Let me tell you something about Albert Pujols. Albert Pujols is a bad mother f—-er. The baseball world needs Albert Pujols.”

Read This Comic: Action Comics #50

michaelclair — Fri, 18 May 2012 06:34:00 -0700

In 1942, with America having recently joined the war effort, the country was in need of fresh, new ballplayers to keep up the quality of play. Enter, Clark Kent: Super Scout.

When the Daily Planet sends mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent to Lauderville, Florida for spring training, (home of the alternate reality Metropolis Ravens), Lois Lane begs Perry White to send her as well. We then get some rampant sexism from Clark Kent who reminds Lois that baseball is for men only.

When their Florida-bound train makes an unexpected stop, Lois, dressed in her sauciest of hats, suggests that she and Clark hop off for a quick bite. Naturally, because women don’t understand train schedules or baseball, the train takes off without them, stranding the two of them at the station. It all works out though, as just at that moment, Clark spies one of those train yard baseball games that America lost out on thanks to communism.

After watching a yokel of a pitcher, Stan Doborak, strike out batter after batter, nearly driving the opponent’s manager to frenzy, Clark and Lois decide to approach the fellow.

Ooh, a command and control righty dominating pickup games? Why, he could be the next ~~Stephen Strasburg~~ Kirk Rueter.

When the boy turns down a lucrative baseball career because of the seeding that must be done on the family farm, Clark Kent transforms into Superman, and, ignoring the murders, assaults, and rapes that must be taking place the world over, decides to help out. For the good of baseball and thereby the world.

With the boy’s duties taken care of, Clark and Lois speed off to spring training with Stan in tow. When they arrive, Clark immediately goes to the Ravens manager and talks up the pitcher. When the manager says no, Clark Kent gives up because that’s what superheroes do: give up at the first sign of adversity.

With nothing to do, Clark bumbles around the town, stumbling upon the Ravens star player in a street brawl which he writes up for the next day’s paper. While I was willing to suspend my disbelief that an alien would come to Earth and wear tights, it’s even more unlikely that a newspaper reporter would write about the off-field exploits of a star player. Naturally, this does not make Kent a popular fellow in the clubhouse.

To add insult to injury, when Stan arrives to camp and tells the manager that Clark Kent sent him, he’s told to leave and never come back. Stan retaliates by punching Clark in the face, even using his pitching arm. Crash Davis would not be proud.

After Lois follows up with a slap of her own, Clark transforms into Superman and speaks in such a way that I’m not sure that Superman is aware that he and Clark are the same person.

Roaring into superspeed, Superman snatches Stan from his traincar and brings him to a mountaintop. Because that is where one has serious, life changing conversations. It’s also where Superman injects some helpful advice for all the kiddies reading at home:

Superman then sneaks Stan into the clubhouse and steals him a uniform. In case you weren’t aware, there is a little known rule that if you’re wearing a proper Major League uniform during spring training, the manager has to play you. True fact.

Hoping to embarrass the “rube,” the manager throws him onto the mound against the star hitter, Jack Standish.

We then get a glimpse of Stan on the mound and realize why no scout in his right mind would sign him: truly frightening mechanics. Not only does he form the dreaded inverted ‘W’, but he also does something with his body that seems to defy the laws of physics. Even Sting would be unable to contort himself into one of these positions during his legendary sex sessions.

Somehow Stan’s back does not snap in two, and he easily dispatches the rest of the batters and is welcomed onto the roster. We do not, however, see the 37-year-old veteran with a sick child at home get cut.

By the regular season, Deborak has already become the de facto ace, throwing a two-hitter followed by an 18 strikeout no-hitter which I’m fairly certain would be the greatest game in Major League history. Sadly, all the success goes to Stan’s head.

Fortunately, it turns out that Doborak has been duped by a beautiful young blonde woman, Mabel, who tells him to “leave all the brain work to me!” Do you get the sense that the writers actively hate women? Because I do.

By sheer luck, Clark and Lois overhear this reveal, Clark is forced investigate. arranging a date with Mabel later that night. When he arrives, a group of armed thugs force Clark into their car and they take him to their safehouse.

After changing clothes in a utility closet, Superman forces the crime boss to reveal his plans. This was originally Pete Rose’s claim when he was caught gambling:

Flying off, Superman arrives just in time as Mabel is in the midst of her convincing sales pitch. Because Superman really doesn’t care about anyone else, he doesn’t arrest the woman, he just sends them to another town. Yeah, that’ll show them.

Sure, roughly 25 people lost their lives due to violent crimes during Superman’s excursions into amateur scouting, but Stan Doborak became a Major League star. And in the end, isn’t that worth it?

Your browser does not support iframes. (Context for those who...

michaelclair — Fri, 18 May 2012 04:49:00 -0700

Your browser does not support iframes.

(Context for those who have never been on the Internet)

Baseball Card of the Week: While going through a box of...

michaelclair — Fri, 18 May 2012 03:53:01 -0700

Baseball Card of the Week:

While going through a box of baseball cards I had bought at a yard sale, I came across the rarest of all relics, the Holy Grail of baseball cards: a thin, mustachioed Matt Stairs while he was a member of the Expos.

Though Stairs lasted only 38 at-bats for the Expos across parts of two seasons, hitting nary a home run for the team, his impact could be felt for the rest of the Expos exisence. It’s a little known fact, but to get up to the nosebleeds, fans had to take the Stairs. Sure, it doesn’t sound any different, but to people who knew, it changed the world.

brooklynmutt: “I present the world’s greatest piece of print...

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 22:21:11 -0700

brooklynmutt:

“I present the world’s greatest piece of print journalism ever.”

(h/t @bomani_jones)

(via jeannine_lejeune Instagram)

Chris Volstad Should Probably Stop Getting Starts

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 22:07:00 -0700

After lasting only 2 innings against the Phillies earlier tonight, giving up four runs and six hits in that time span, the Cubs may want to think about transitioning Volstad to life in the pen. Or the minors. Or on an experimental moon base that may one day be home to the Oakland Athletics. The loss dropped Volstad to a league worst 0-6 and elevated his ERA to 7.46, sandwiching him between Mike Minor and Clay Bucholz for worst in the majors.

Some may point out that Volstad’s xFIP is a much more reasonable 4.47 and his FIP an even better 3.92, but this is where FIP has its limits. Volstad doesn’t strike that many batters out, nor is his control phenomenal (5.77 career K/9, 3.18 BB/9) and his numbers this season are in that range. Sure, eventually he’ll start stranding more than 50% of the runners on base, but as a sinkerballer without a dominating sinker, he’ll also see his 0.69 HR/9 this season climb, especially as he now calls Wrigley’s friendly confines home.

While I was a fan of the Cubs acquisition of the one-time first rounder because latent talent is still talent, unfortunately Volstad has more in common with the Casey Colemans (3-9, 6.40 ERA) and Doug Davises (1-7, 6.50 ERA) of last year’s Cubs team. Let the Ryan Rowland-Smith era begin!

Cleveland Indians Slash Fiction

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 18:42:44 -0700

The Associated Press after Santana’s game-winning single in the 11th inning:

“Carlos Santana didn’t mind the postgame pounding he took from his teammates Thursday. In fact, he enjoyed it.”

There’s gotta be a better way to say that.

No, I’m not going to give you any more context for why an...

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 16:13:14 -0700

No, I’m not going to give you any more context for why an unbearably cute bulldog has a ball taped to his back and is standing on the pitching mound. You’ll have to do that for yourself.

Babe Ruth Would Be Ashamed

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 15:17:46 -0700

Rangers unveiling Great Bratbino on May 25, a two-foot bratwurst with sauerkraut and options including chili and jalapenos.

— Anthony Andro (@aandro) May 17, 2012

“Only two feet?” I can imagine Ruth saying, “Why, that’s not even a snack. Come back when you have a concession worthy of my time.”

(via Hardball Talk)

While some may call it “The Slide” others may call...

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 14:43:49 -0700

While some may call it “The Slide” others may call it “The Last Time The Pirates Played Meaningful Baseball” or “Why Didn’t Barry Bonds Move In A Few Steps.” Regardless, Sid Bream’s slide will now be forever immortalized in bobblehead form during the June 9th Blue Jays at Braves game.

Pick one up for yourself or give it to a Pirates fan and watch as he goes into a catatonic state.

(via @Braves)

Have you ever wondered how Shibe Park played or just where...

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 09:18:43 -0700

Have you ever wondered how Shibe Park played or just where Connie Mack would wave his scorecard? Wonder no more.

In 1946 and ‘47, Gene Mack of the Boston Globe put together a series of illustrations of all the ballparks which you can check out here.

The one thing I always am left to think is, wow, people just 50 years ago could withstand a much more cluttered page. Just glancing at the illustrations makes my head hurt a little.

(via Reddit)

It’s not how Jackie Robinson would have done it, but I...

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 08:21:01 -0700

It’s not how Jackie Robinson would have done it, but I guess it still works.

Will Rhymes is the Hero Tampa Deserves

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 07:47:25 -0700

Your browser does not support iframes.

In one of the scarier moments you’ll see on the ballfield, after heading down to first following a hit-by-pitch, Will Rhymes passed out and had to be held up by the first base coach. Fortunately, it turned out to be nothing but some excess adrenalin flowing through his body…or was it.

When getting to the hospital and being asked his name, Rhymes responded with:”Batman.”

So while the rest of the world may think Rhymes passed out because of too much adrenaline, we all know the real reason. The Joker was on the loose and Rhymes needed an excuse to slip away and put on his costume.

How to Properly Field A Ballclub

michaelclair — Thu, 17 May 2012 04:54:49 -0700

“You’ve got to have a big set of doberman [expletives] to close.”

- Jonathan Papelbon on closing.

Filling out a depth chart is hard, what with properly maximizing a ballplayers assets while minimizing their weaknesses. I’ve simplified that.

Simply select a player’s greatest skill and his emotional/physical well being, and poof, his true position shall be revealed.

You’ll agree, it’s a foolproof system with guaranteed success.

findtheswagger: Fog. (Taken with instagram)

williamjhall — Thu, 17 May 2012 03:53:33 -0700

findtheswagger:

Fog. (Taken with instagram)

Because sometimes you just have to go there...

williamjhall — Wed, 16 May 2012 19:31:26 -0700

Over at MLB.com., John Schlegel has the latest on the trial of Roger Clemens for perjury. Of course, former trainer Brian McNamee has been a key witness throughout the whole case, and while there’s some entertainment value in the whole sordid affair, it’s one of those things where the more you know, the better it gets (emphasis mine…obviously):

“By the time court had recessed Wednesday at noon ET because of a juror’s commitment, Hardin referenced the chart sparingly, but had gone through numerous questions about what McNamee remembers and doesn’t remember before and after McNamee claims Clemens asked him in the Toronto Blue Jays’ clubhouse around June 1, 1998, to help him with a ‘booty shot’— a term that now has been used dozens of times in the trial.

Through testimony that at times was testy and frustrating for both sides, Hardin questioned the witness about statements McNamee made before Congress and in his direct testimony earlier in the week, attempting to poke holes in McNamee’s credibility.”

Poking holes in the credibility of both Clemens and McNamee doesn’t seem to be too difficult at this point, but let’s be honest. We’re all mature people here. Mature people that love good butt and porn jokes because there are adult film writers that are adapting this trial into a movie as I type this.

Rolling Stone Polls Rockers on Best & Worst MLB Parks

williamjhall — Wed, 16 May 2012 18:13:00 -0700

Rolling Stone Polls Rockers on Best & Worst MLB Parks:

Rolling Stone polled members of the rock ‘n roll elite for their opinions on the best and worst Major League ball parks. Not surprisingly, both Fenway Park and Wrigley Field pop up a number of times. In my opinion, ska, nu metal, and trance pop are tragically under-represented, but what can you do? That being said, if Rolling Stone was to include the opinions of MLB players and managers on the rockers mentioned in the article?

Bryce Harper: ”Who the hell is Alice Cooper?”
Jamie Moyer: ”Ben Gibbard? I think I played with his dad in the minors.”
Juan Uribe: ”My favorite band is The Promise Ring because they sing to my soul.”
Jonathan Papelbon: ”Whichever band is from Philly. Not those Irish dudes.”
Ron Gardenhire: “Rolling Stone is for hippies.”

Photo

williamjhall — Wed, 16 May 2012 17:31:04 -0700

thescore: LAWRIE SMASH! You want to know my secret? I’m...

michaelclair — Wed, 16 May 2012 16:01:50 -0700

thescore:

LAWRIE SMASH!

You want to know my secret? I’m always angry.

mightyflynn: Elissa Goldstone, Untitled (Baseball Drawing – Fly...

michaelclair — Wed, 16 May 2012 10:50:02 -0700

mightyflynn:

Elissa Goldstone, Untitled (Baseball Drawing – Fly Ball), Paper and cotton thread, 11×16 inches, 2010.

Elissa Goldstone: Have you ever read any classic sports writing? The best is always about baseball (Roger Angell, Philip Roth, or John Updike). This is because baseball, more than any other sport, is nostalgia in motion. Even as it’s occurring in real-time, you’re already imagining the moment as a memory, and are contextualizing it as epic.

To be sure, most sports have this quality of memorializing, but baseball is designed to be viewed in the past-tense. It’s a long-term relationship, where the present moment or play is completely insignificant without the entire history of the game along side of it. And every play, be it awful or awe-inspiring, has a place in the books. So we buy treasures and proudly don jerseys and hats, and we keep signed bats and balls, all to keep us reliving the moment and, with it, a nostalgia for the game itself.

A baseball season is 162 games (not counting spring training and the post-season) and no matter how good your team is this year, or last year, or even for the past decade, you know, with absolute certainty, that winning cannot last. Heartbreak is inevitable. You cannot win every game. You can’t even come close. No team has ever won even seventy-five percent of their regular season games, and those that have come close are memorialized in the books and in the minds and paraphernalia of fans. It won’t last, but we remember—so it does.

I know this all sounds fatalistic, but it actually establishes a way to enjoy the minutia of the game. I spend time focusing on the details. The details are beautiful, and there so many. In my artwork, I try to focus on particulars that have a strong visual identity that stretch beyond baseball into American culture. Major League baseball has been played for 125-plus years; this game is ingrained. For example, everyone knows what a baseball looks like… . it’s classic and appealing: white leather with red stitching, symmetrical, and well-crafted. Of course, it exists to be thrown, or caught, or hit. But the ball recalls more than its usefulness. It’s an association to the game through a person, place, or time, and becomes a visual connector to memory.

via BOMBLOG